


I Can't Open Up and Cry

by OnceInABlueMoony



Series: Regulus Black Needs All The Love [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Regulus Black, Asexual!Regulus, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Orion Black's A+ Parenting, Panic Attacks, Regulus Black Needs a Hug, Walburga Black's A+ Parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:21:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25283056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnceInABlueMoony/pseuds/OnceInABlueMoony
Summary: Sometimes, Regulus wanted to curl into a ball and crawl under his bed and never come out. He wished he wasn’t such a disappointment to his parents. Sirius would never have freaked out like he had. Sirius would have laughed it off and found some way of making it funny.And Regulus couldn’t breathe.Otherwise known as the Introduction to My Regulus-Centric Series
Relationships: Regulus Black & Sirius Black, Regulus Black/Evan Rosier
Series: Regulus Black Needs All The Love [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1831711
Comments: 8
Kudos: 144





	1. I Can't Breathe, And I Can't Smile

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Obviously I don't Own Harry Potter  
> Title and Chapter Titles From: 'Numb' by Marina and the Diamonds

Regulus felt too much sometimes.

He always had and it came out in the worst ways.

When he was a child, he would scream. 

He would scream when Sirius stole his books looking for attention and Regulus would run chasing after him before they were dropped in the lake. 

He would scream when Bella was in a rage and looking for a target to take it out on.  _ It didn’t matter that she was ten whole years older than him. When Bella started screaming, you started screaming too, and running. _

He screamed when Sirius accidentally locked him in a room with a boggart of all things and spiders had swarmed in his mouth and up his nose.  _ He didn’t talk for two weeks after that _ .

And he screamed when Mother locked him in the cupboard and wouldn’t let him out until he’d calmed down.  _ There were spiders in the cupboard! _

And then suddenly, it wasn’t acceptable for him to scream anymore.

Sirius had accidentally knocked him down the stairs.  _ He’d been running from a raging Bella on her wedding day. _ And there was pain, his arm hurt so much, and there was blood running down his face. Why was there blood?

And Mother had come in, “Why are you making that dreadful noise, Regulus? Be quiet!” And she’d grabbed his broken arm, recoiling quickly in horror at the awful noise he’d made.

He’d stopped screaming after that. He’d stopped making any terrible noise after that. Children should be seen and not heard and only speak when spoken too.

Father said it was weak to show emotion and Blacks did not show weakness. Regulus perfected his poker face quickly and the art of suppressing unwanted thoughts. By eleven, his resting face was perfectly neutral.

The Healer said he was  _ sensitive _ when Regulus had passed out.  _ He hated being in the cupboard. His lungs felt too tight. There wasn’t enough air and the room was so small.  _ Mother said he was making it up for attention. He wished he was.  _ Especially when it kept happening again whenever he went to parties and the room got so hot and people kept wanting to talk to him. _

Sirius said he was  _ sensitive _ too. He had shouted it at Potter when Potter had kissed Regulus in a quidditch match so Slytherin wouldn’t get the snitch. Regulus had run away as soon as he’d landed. He sat at the edge of the forest, rocking himself as tears streamed down his cheeks. The whole school had seen. Such a terrible disgrace. Mother would be furious.  _ He rocked again when the Howler came, his mother yelling at him in the privacy of a classroom. _

Sometimes, Regulus wanted to curl into a ball and crawl under his bed and never come out. He wished he wasn’t such a disappointment to his parents. Sirius would never have freaked out like he had. Sirius would have laughed it off and found some way of making it funny. 

And Regulus couldn’t breathe.

Slughorn had handed him back his test. He’d gotten an E, an E! An E wasn’t an O. An E wasn’t good enough for someone from the House of Black. He had asked Slughorn to let him retake it, _ please let him retake it.  _ He could do better. Slughorn hadn’t budged. Regulus had written home his grades to his Mother, an O in potions, wasn’t it wonderful?

She’d been furious when he’d returned at Christmas.

And his hands hurt, so badly afterwards.

Regulus was a Black and Blacks had to be perfect. Regulus wasn’t perfect. 

Sometimes he felt he could explode.

The only good thing really,  _ not that it was good, it really wasn’t good _ , was that Sirius was often in more trouble than Regulus.  _ After all, Regulus didn’t hang around mudbloods and bloodtraitors like Sirius. Regulus wasn’t in Gryffindor. _

So Mother’s fury and disappointment were rarely directed at him, only when he did something wrong, and even then she was never quite as furious as she was at Sirius. Sirius was the heir, the hope of the family, the healthy and handsome and charming child that Regulus could never be.

Sirius made it worse by screaming back. Why he didn’t keep his stupid mouth shut and pretend to agree with them Regulus couldn’t understand.

He would sit at the top of the stairs, with his hands over his ears as Mother, Father and Sirius started shouting below. They could be heard even four floors up. And he would stand in the corner and watch silently when Sirius got punished. 

No, he couldn’t understand why Sirius didn’t keep his mouth shut.

And it got worse, even worse somehow.

Because Sirius was gone, and no one would speak about him except to curse that he’d ever been born. Regulus was angry, so angry because Sirius was gone and Regulus was alone.

Sirius had run away. He had chosen the Potters over his own family, had chosen Potter over Regulus. Why wasn’t Regulus good enough for him? Regulus didn’t understand, and the jealousy burned, it burned. 

It was a sick feeling. Anger and jealously, love and hate all churning up inside him.

But Sirius was gone, and Regulus was alone in the house with his parents and he thought he could scream but he couldn’t remember how. The burn across Sirius’ name was ugly. Regulus picked up the glowing poker and pressed it into his palm.

So that was how to scream.

Sirius was still gone.

The house was quiet.

Going back to school, he had nightmares regularly. Dreams where Mother had killed Sirius instead of Sirius going away and dreams of Sirius always, always walking away from him. Evan would shake him awake, and they’d sit on the bed in silence until Regulus either fell asleep again or gave up and went to pace the corridors.

His chest was too tight. He was seeker, and quidditch captain, and prefect and his grades were perfect. He was the Heir now, but he still wasn’t as good as Sirius and the Howlers kept coming. There was always something he wasn’t doing right.

His pillows were damp when he woke up and he constantly felt like he would burst. His head screamed at him.

There was something cold in his veins when he saw Sirius and Potter laughing together, arms slung around each other. Sirius was his brother, Potter’s.

And yet,

“You’re not my brother!” Regulus screamed at Sirius across the corridor, his posture too tight, his muscles too tense. “You’re a traitor and a disgrace,”  _ You left me. _

Sirius was still gone just like Andromeda was gone and Regulus was alone to clear up the mess. He wished he couldn’t feel. It would be so much easier. Maybe then, the feeling in his chest would ease. _It hurt. It hurt. It hurt._

Over a thousand years of culture rested on his shoulders. As the only heir left, he would have to get married. He would have to have proper pureblood children. _ At least, that thought didn’t make him feel anything. _

It was Bella’s idea, or maybe it wasn’t. Regulus wasn’t sure.

But Mother liked it and the family honour had to be restored somehow.  _ Maybe this would finally be enough for his Mother. _

The Mark burned, it burned like fire on his skin. Branded black against the pale white of his left forearm.

And Regulus didn’t feel anything.


	2. I Feel Numb Most of the Time

Returning to Hogwarts for his sixth year was weird.

Dimly, Regulus knew he ought to be worried about something,  _ his grades maybe, quidditch? _ But it all paled in comparison to the Cause.

The Cause whispered in dark corridors and the corners of the Common Room. It was getting louder. Every morning, Dumbledore would read out a least of names, families torn apart by people like Regulus, _ mudbloods and bloodtraitors. _

Avery took to showing off his dark mark to anyone he thought would listen. Obliviate was a useful spell.

But Regulus kept his head down.

It was all a useless show of power anyway.  _ Avery would never amount to anything. _

His friends, Cressida and Isadora, quietly asked to not be associated with him anymore. They didn’t like the way he would talk about the Cause. The way that Barty would enthusiastically rave about everything he would do when he was a Deatheater. The way that Leon would hang on to his every word. 

And they didn’t like Severus, Mulciber or Rabastan.

Regulus quietly absolved them from any obligation of friendship.

Sometimes, Regulus saw Potter in the corridors and thought darkly about his future. The Heir of Potter would no doubt fight on the Light side. Gryffindors never could stay out of a fight. Regulus thought he would enjoy it when Potter inevitably got himself killed.

Privately, he hoped Potter wouldn’t drag Sirius down with him. _Why though?_ _Sirius was never coming back_.

Regulus stopped thinking about it.  _ He didn’t _ .

Olivia Greengrass fancied him. She’d sit next to him at meals and lean on his arm. When he went to Hogsmeade, she grabbed him and dragged him into the Three Broomsticks with her and her friends. Avery smirked across the table. At the Malfoy’s Christmas Party, she glued herself to his side. 

“You’re her next target,” Cressida told him sympathetically when he escaped into the gardens. “She’s got everyone else in Slytherin. Whore. _ ” _

Regulus looked at Olivia Greengrass through the French Windows. She was very beautiful.  _ At least he supposed so. He’d heard so. _

He was probably supposed to feel something about a beautiful girl wanting him.

He didn’t.

Somehow, Regulus found himself behind Honeydukes with a pretty but rather poor Ravenclaw Pureblood. Someone from the third Circle. Certainly no-one important. He couldn’t risk a scandal.

He thought maybe he’d leaned in first or maybe the other person had.

Kissing was weird, he decided. And probably supposed to make him feel something more.

It seemed to make Joshua Fawley feel something.

It didn’t appear that Regulus was gay after all. _ Shouldn’t that make him feel better? _

He didn’t know what he was. __

_ Not straight.  _

_ Not gay. _

Was it possible to not be attracted to anyone?

Or maybe, the Mark had done something to him and that was why he couldn’t feel properly. _ He couldn’t remember if he’d been attracted to people before. He hadn’t been paying attention. _

Evan kept smoking in the dormitory. Some foul-smelling Muggle death sticks his older brother had given him. Somehow, they ended up sitting on the roof of the astronomy tower, passing the death stick between them. 

“I think there’s something wrong with me,” Regulus said without preamble.

Evan laughed, his blonde curls gleaming in the moonlight. “There’s lots of things wrong with you, Reg.”

“Thanks,”

“Go on then,” Evan nudged him. His legs swung back and off over the side. “What’s wrong with you now?”

Regulus sighed. “It’s hard to articulate….. I just feel  _ wrong _ . Like there’s something inside me that’s fallen out of place. I don’t know. It’s stupid.”

Evan gave him an odd look. “I think we need to get you drunk,” he said.

Getting drunk did not make him feel any better. 

It did give me him a headache.

That Summer, they attended death eater training together. Severus, Avery, Rabstan and Mulciber had graduated, leaving Evan and Regulus the only death eaters still in school. They practised Imperio on each other, now seventeen.

Evan’s soft voice drifted through his head, asking him to smile.

And then Regulus was duelling with Avery and Avery was going too fast and Regulus cast Imperio.

The Dark Lord saw.

He was impressed.

And then Regulus messed up, somehow.  _ Of course. _

After, Regulus swore he would never give reason to be crucioed again. _ Was this how Sirius had felt sixteen years old lying in front of Mother? _

The Dark Lord needed to borrow a house-elf. Regulus ‘ _ volunteered’ _ Kreacher.

Kreacher returned, dripping wet and gagging on emerald green liquid.

There was something like dread winding its way around Regulus’ chest.


	3. One Track Mind, Like a GoldFish

If there was one thing Regulus knew, it was that he had two flaws. _Or at least he had two flaws that he felt was relevant to this whole problem._

One- He was a naturally curious person. _Though curious was probably putting it lightly._

The problem was that he could never leave well enough alone.

So of course when Snape had gone blabbering about a were-wolf on the grounds, Regulus just had to look into it. _Really, like he didn’t have enough anxieties._

And when he’d heard a suspicious noise in the corridors, of course he went to investigate. _He’d never get the image of Sirius and Lupin out of his head._

And it wasn’t like he meant to see the magazine under Leon’s bed. He’d been doing his meditation and it wasn’t his fault Leon had left it in such a stupid place.

It was almost like they were asking him to find out all their secrets.

And Two- _which was the real problem_ \- was that Regulus was really very clever.

He couldn’t help figuring things out once he starting paying attention and really that was the whole problem. _He had a lot of problems. Most of them could be traced back to Sirius._  
  


Regulus had worked hard. Really, he had. It took a lot of effort to _not_ notice things.

Except, it didn’t seem like he could any longer.

He told himself he was only going to look into it. Information was power after all and it wouldn’t hurt to keep himself a bit of a boost. It was always good to have a contingency in place and a back-up for that as well.

And so it was a bit of a shock to come across the word Horcrux in his research. _Reading on and he’d thrown up over the floor of the dormitory._

It was worse to think somehow that the Dark Lord would never die. _And why did that thought fill him with abject terror? Wasn’t he supposed to be on the Dark Lord’s side?_

Except, there was something horrible in the names read out by Dumbledore now. Now, that Regulus had been out there. 

And somehow the information he kept finding out kept getting worse.

The Dark Lord was a half-blood. _He wondered what Mother would say if she knew that._

And possibly had something to do with the Chamber of Secrets 35 years ago. _Regulus put that to the side. He had enough problems._

Coming face to face with Moaning Myrtle after that was awful. And it wasn’t that she’d found him sobbing in a deserted girl’s toilet as he struggled to reconcile the information he held with his duty to his family. _Stupidly, he’d asked her about her death and well, never make small talk with a ghost._

No, it was that she was a fourteen year-old girl who had been murdered for the sole crime of being born a mudblood.

Suddenly, Regulus realised he didn’t really want mudbloods to die which was a problem. Quite a big one if you’re part of a terrorist group committed to just that.

Of course, once you start questioning things and having thoughts, it inevitably leads to having a breakdown over your entire sense of self in the boy’s dormitory at three in the morning. 

And it wasn’t the sort of thing that could be explained to one’s dorm mates, and especially not to one’s fellow Deatheaters. _Barty and Leon had joined up at Christmas._ So really, Regulus was on his own with this one. 

_That was fine. He had practise setting aside thoughts and emotions he didn’t want. He could do the same with his impending Identity Crisis._

And so Regulus calmly set it aside to focus on his NEWTS. _He absolutely didn’t._

He graduated with Nine Outstandings and an Exceeds Expectations in Potions. _He also had a pretty good idea of how to get the Dark Lord’s Horcrux from the Cave._

The graduation party went horribly.

Regulus had a little bit to drink and starting saying things he shouldn’t be saying to people he definitely shouldn’t be saying them too. Evan was very quick to remove him from the situation.

And then like he didn’t have enough to worry about, _Mother’s illness and apparent alcoholism, Father’s affair, the accounts since no-one else was doing them, finding a good match to marry, Deatheater training and the whole knowing a secret that would get him murdered in less than a second if the Dark Lord even suspected he knew._

No, if that wasn’t enough Regulus was suddenly confronted with something else that he had made sure not to notice.

“Is it really that hard to believe I’ve fallen in love with you?” Evan stood across from him on one side of his bedroom, _how had they gotten there?_ His blue eyes were too bright for Regulus’ tipsy brain to handle.

_And yes, it was that hard to believe. Because Regulus knew he was an arsehole and he knew that he’d been neglecting his friends during his ongoing crisis._

Regulus paused, halfway out the door. “You shouldn’t- Somethings are better left unsaid.” 

“Not this.”

It couldn’t work. Regulus had to get married and raise a small horde of pureblood children who’d most likely be as miserable as he was. It was wrong in all sorts of ways.

And Regulus still didn’t feel the right sort of attraction but he felt something warm in his chest when he thought of Evan and-

“It can’t be forever,” he murmured even as Evan pressed feverish kisses against his neck and in the hollow of his throat.

Evan pulled away, and already Regulus missed him. “I know,”

He leaned forward into Regulus’ space, pushing him down against the mattress.

That warm feeling was back again.

Regulus thought he could get used to it.


	4. Stars that Shine the Brightest Fall so Fast and Past You By

Regulus had known it couldn’t last. Something eventually had to give and really it was better if that something was Regulus himself.

He was working with a time limit, everything ticking down.  _ What would happen when it hit zero? _

He’d skirted around the issue for years. He’d closed his eyes and hoped it would go away. He’d procrastinated and hesitated. Just one more day, just one more kiss, just one more moment where he didn’t have to think.

But he’d didn’t have forever. He had told Evan as such.

The longer he stayed the more aware he was of just how many things could go wrong before he got his chance.

His chance to what? _ Do the right thing for once. Take back control of his life. _

Regulus was sick of balancing on the knife’s edge. Something had to give. 

It might as well be him.

Sometimes, it felt like there were enemies on every side. _ And when had he started thinking of his family, his friends as the enemy? _

Even Evan wouldn’t really understand if Regulus told him.

It felt like he was going insane. _ After all, madness did run in the family. _

The blood never quite seemed to wash from his hands and the smell of burning flesh seared his nose. Cuts littered his hands where he’d punched the mirror, hating to look at himself. His cheekbones poked out from his face. His hair hung in his eyes and his body was too thin.  _ He looked like pictures he’d seen of Azkaban prisoners. _

He was haunted by his actions. His nightmares were worse than ever. _ Maybe he’d always been mad. _

But Evan held him on the nights it got too much and pressed kisses against Regulus’ bruises. 

Food tasted like ash. The sick feeling never went away.

Regulus ran away after a Deatheater meeting and threw up in the bushes. Of course, Evan came after him.  _ He always did. _

“I can’t keep doing this,” Regulus told him.

Evan helped him up. “What else can we do?”

_ The Dark Lord wouldn’t tolerate disobedience. _

Was it still paranoia if you were always right?

Regulus planned and he plotted and he procrastinated. August fell away into September and then it was November. _ Where oh, where had October gone? _

It was way past time.

Saying goodbye without saying goodbye was the worst part.

There were so many secrets for Regulus to give back and more people than he ever thought he would care for.

But he pressed kisses to Narcissa’s cheeks and Olivia’s hands. He whispered an apology into Isadora’s ear and shared biscuits with Barty.  _ Like he could make up for his absence and distraction.  _

He spent a day with Bella and Rodolphus and went out drinking with Rabastan. He left letters for Leon and Cressida to be opened at the right time. Severus’ potions books were returned. 

He stood across the street in an alleyway from Sirius’ apartment and saw him laughing with Potter.  _ They didn’t see him. _

Evan’s was the worse.

Regulus dragged him out in the rain and they walked along the Thames. They didn’t talk about anything important and Regulus said a lot without saying anything at all.  _ He almost wanted Evan to realise, to stop him from going.  _

And then they went back to Evan’s apartment that he shared with Barty and Leon. Regulus tried to tell him everything that was important _ but he didn't say a word. _

It was strange and weird and he wasn’t sure he liked it but Evan did and that was what mattered. _ At least, this he had gotten to choose.  _

After, they lay together and Evan fell asleep. Regulus stared at the ceiling.

In the early hours of the morning, he carefully untangled himself. Tears ran down his cheeks as he whispered, “ _ Obliviate,” _

It was better this way.  _ Better for Evan at least. _

And he went with Kreacher to the cave and drank the poison.

He saw such horrible things. _ He saw every mistake he’d ever made, every person he’d hurt, every moment he’d locked away in a box to be forgotten. _

If he begged for forgiveness, no-one saw but a loyal house-elf.

And with the poison still in his system, and everything fresh in his mind, Regulus ordered Kreacher away with instructions to destroy the Locket.

He reached towards the water or maybe the water reached towards him. _ He certainly couldn’t remember. _

Everything hurt and his lungs felt too tight. He couldn’t breathe and the scream that had been building in his chest echoed through the cave.

The cave was silent. _ It was finally over. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's a wrap!  
> Wow, this was only going to be two chapters but it got away from me.
> 
> Hope y'all enjoyed.


End file.
